Maternal Alienation Syndrome or Maternal (Deprivation) Syndrome

                                            Maternal Alienation Syndrome

Maternal Alienation Syndrome (MAS) is a pattern of thoughts and behavior that can develop in a child where the custodial parent causes the child, through manipulation and access blocking, to unjustifiably fear and/or hate the other parent. MAS is more than brainwashing, in that the child comes to actively participate in the degradation of the mother, coming up with original (often ludicrous) reasons to fear/hate her. Domestic violence (DV) restraining orders are a perfect weapon for an alienating parent. Typically, in addition to removing a mother from the home, a DV restraining order also "temporarily" bars the mother from seeing her children, and "temporarily" gives the accusing parent exclusive physical custody. And temporary, in the Family Court, has a funny way of becoming permanent. Obtaining a restraining order based on a false allegation of domestic violence gets the mother out of the picture. A mother who can't see her kids, for example, is unable to rebut the lie "Mommy doesn't love you anymore. That's why she left you." Nor can she rebut the alternate lie, "Mommy is dangerous. The wise judge said so. That's why she can't see you." Often, if an accused mother is allowed to see her children, it is in a supervised visitation center. "The demeaning of the 'visiting' mother is readily visible from the minute that she enters the 'secured facility' with armed guards, officious case workers with their clipboards and arrogant, domineering managers.... The child's impression is that all of these authority figures see Mommy as a serious and dangerous threat. The only time a child sees this type of security is during the visits." Not only does visitation in a visitation center send the clear message to the child that the "visiting"mother is a bad person, if children decline to see their mother under such a setting, they are generally not forced to do so. More perversely, if a child is encouraged by the custodial parent to refuse to see the mother, there will be no significant repercussion to the targeting parent, and, generally, the child will not be forced to see the mother. The more time a child spends away from the mother, the worse the alienation will become. As psychologist Jenna A. Maxwell remarked "the old adage that time heals all wounds, such is not the case with MAS, where the passage of time worsens rather than heals the affliction. This is not to say that time is unimportant: on the contrary, time remains a vital variable for all the players. To heal the relationship, the child requires quality time with the mother to continue and repair the meaningful association that existed since birth. This continued communication also serves as a reality check for the child to counter the effects of ongoing alienation at home. Likewise, the mother needs time with the child to ensure that contact is not completely lost and to prevent the alienation from completely destroying what may be left of a normal, loving relationship.... The alienating parent, on the other hand, requires time to complete the brainwashing of the child without interference.

The manipulation of time becomes the prime weapon in the hands of the alienator who uses it to structure, occupy, and usurp the child's time to prevent 'contaminating' contact with the mother, depriving both of their right to spend time together and furthering the goal of total alienation. Unlike cases of child abuse where time away from the abuser sometimes helps in repairing a damaged relationship, in MAS time away from the mother furthers the goal of alienation. The usual healing properties of time are lost when it is used as the primary weapon to inflict injury on the mother by alienating the child." A parent willing to falsely accuse the mother of domestic violence would be willing to poison a child against her. Add to this the problem that a judge willing to "err on the side of caution" by entering a DV restraining order based on a dubious false allegation would probably not be willing to do what was necessary to prevent the development of MAS. MAS is heart-wrenching and, tragically, common. If the system could be reformed so that only real victims obtained restraining orders, I predict that the number of MAS cases would be greatly reduced. Let's try to get there.

Domestic Violence by Proxy vs. Parental Alienation Syndrome

From the time that Richard A. Gardner came out with his theory detailing Parental Alienation Syndrome, there has been a great deal of controversy over whether it was real or not. Parental Alienation Syndrome occurs when one parent pulls the children in as allies against the other parent. It may involve false allegations of abuse but is often abused as a defense where real abuse has occurred. When it is used as a defense in a case where real abuse has occurred, the children are the ones who suffer. They lose touch with a parent who was trying to protect them, and become pawns in the ongoing abuse of their other parent. This is when it becomes Domestic Violence by Proxy. The children are often forced into the position of becoming abusive themselves, although they probably do not see their own actions as being abusive. Most often, the mother is the one in this unfortunate position. She may feel trapped into taking the abuse because she loves her children and doesn't want to lose them. Her abuser, who is drunk on control, has found yet another way to control her by using the children. He thus continues his onslaught of abuse, making it domestic violence by proxy. The mother may have any number of reasons for having lost custody of her children. She may have given them up to him voluntarily, hoping that if she did, they would have a better life since he was more abusive to her than to the children. She may have been intimidated into giving up because he seemed to always win every battle, even when she knew she was right. She may not have had the strength and fortitude to carry on in what seemed to be a never-ending battle. He may have won in front of the judge because he seemed more in control of the situation.

The abuser may seem very charming to the children. All of a sudden, the children who were starved for attention by their father previously, have become the apple of his eye. He may tell the children that their mother never wanted them, while he was excited at the prospect of having children, when often, the exact opposite is true. He may shower them with expensive gifts that their mother cannot afford, and compare her gifts to his, finding hers lacking. He may prevent, or make it very difficult for the mother to see her children, then tell the children if she really loved them, she would be there. All of these things and more he uses to create the illusion that she does not love her children. If she spends any time with her children at all, he will often stalk her during the time that she is with them. He tells the children that this is "for their protection." They have no choice to believe him, although prior to the divorce they had no reason to ever be frightened when they were alone with their mother. Any information that the children bring back from their mother's home is twisted in such a way that it can be used against her in attempts to get her in trouble with the law. This makes it dangerous for the children to be in her home, although she desperately wants to welcome them with open arms. The biggest problem with domestic violence by proxy is that the courts all too often fail to recognize it or do anything about it. In fact, for all the lip service that we hear about helping victims of domestic violence in any form, there is very little done about it at all. Domestic violence is a huge problem that way too many people turn a blind eye to. It's time to do something about it. Learn the signs, especially if you are in any kind of a position of power. If you are a judge, a lawyer, police, or anyone who can start the seeds of change, do so. Even if you are just the average layperson, report it when you see it. Don't let your neighbors get away with it.  If I can change the world in one way, it will be that no person will ever lose their children to domestic violence again. This is the most painful loss as the children are still there, but unable to be a part of a loving mother's life. The men that perpetrate this need to be held accountable for their actions.

The Dynamics Of Murder Suicide The Real Truth

                                The Dynamics of Murder-Suicide
                                       in Domestic Situations
                               Katherine van Wormer, MSSW, PhD.


This paper explores dynamics involved in the commission of homicide followed by suicide.

British and U.S. government and advocacy sources are used in addition to news accounts to examine this phenomenon.
Domestic violence-related crimes are contrasted with elderly ‘‘altruistic’’ murder-suicide, school shootings, and political terrorism.
Suicide is argued to be a primary motive in many domestic homicide situations.
Limitation of the availability of firearms is seen as an important means of prevention in conjunction with a harm reduction safety plan.
In the United States and Britain, as elsewhere, a woman is more vulnerable to violence in her home than in public.
In the United Kingdom, domestic violence costs the lives of more than two women every week (Home Office, 2005b), and in the United States, with a much larger population, estimates are that more than three women a day are killed by their intimate part- ners (Rennison, 2003).

The Batterer As A Parent

                                                The Batterer As Parent
                                                     by Lundy Bancroft

Research on children's exposure to domestic violence has tended to focus primarily on two aspects of their experience: the trauma of witnessing physical assaults against their mother, and the tension produced by living with a high level of conflict between their parents.1 However, these are just two elements of a much deeper problem pervading these children's daily life, which is that they are living with a batterer. The parenting of men who batterer exposes children to multiple potential sources of emotional and physical injury, most of which have not been recognized widely.
This article looks at the characteristics of men who batter and identifies ways in which these characteristics also influence their ability to parent appropriately. Additionally, the article will address the implications of such parenting for child protective and custody determinations.

Gaslighting How It Happens And What You Can Do To Make It Through

                                                      GASLIGHTING

It refers to an abuser creating self-doubt in his victim to make her appearcrazy, both to the outside world and to herself. It can be frustrating for the victim as she begins to doubt her own memories, opinions and thoughts.  Ambient abuse is the stealth, subtle, underground currents of maltreatment that sometimes go unnoticed even by the victims themselves, until it is too late. Ambient abuse penetrates and permeates everything – but is difficult to pinpoint and identify. It is ambiguous, atmospheric, diffuse. Hence its insidious and pernicious effects. It is by far the most dangerous kind of abuse there is. It is the outcome of fear – fear of violence, fear of the unknown, fear of the unpredictable, the capricious, and the arbitrary. It is perpetrated by dropping subtle hints, by disorienting, by constant – and unnecessary – lying, by persistent doubting and demeaning, and by inspiring an air of unmitigated gloom and doom ("gaslighting"). Ambient abuse, therefore, is the fostering, propagation, and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control. Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victim adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is considered mentally deranged and the abuser – the suffering soul.